Funny

A couple things I thought were funny:

16 things it took me 50 years to learn.
By Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word
would be 'meetings.'
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

I thought all you ex-Utahns would get a kick out of this one:

*FORGET REDNECKS; THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAD TO SAY ABOUT UTAHNS!*If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September to May, you livein Utah
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and theydon't work there, you live in Utah.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Utah
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone whodialed the wrong number, you live in Utah.
If 'vacation' means going anywhere south of Salt Lake City for theweekend, you live in Utah.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Utah.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, youlive in Utah.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the sameday, you live in Utah.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leaveboth unlocked, you live in Utah.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a ragingblizzard without flinching, you live in Utah.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,you live in Utah.
If the speed limit on the highway is 75 mph -- you're going 80, andeveryone is still passing you, you live in Utah.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filledwith snow, you live in Utah.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, androad construction, you live in Utah.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly' you live in Utah.
If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all yourfriends, you live in Utah.